Putting The "Ex" Back In "Sex"

I was thinking today about the pros and cons of sleeping with girls whom I’ve already dated. Or as they like to say, “Left crushed and broken after devouring the delicate flower of their best days/weeks/months/years.”

I'm kidding. Honestly, I tend to have a pretty good relationship with my ex girlfriends. Maybe it’s because deep down, they know that I always respected them and never lied. Maybe it’s because I tend to date girls with whom I have a good rapport. Or it might just be because I never have to see them anymore. Whatever the case, I have gone back and slept with a couple women that I dated before.

I think this is an appealing proposition for women because they already know what they’re getting. They don’t have to go through the drama of seducing a guy then finding out that he’s into water-play or can only orgasm while a donkey shits on their chest. Also, a lot of women feel guilty about the number of men they’ve slept with. Even if their ex is bending them over a trash compactor, while gargling medical waste, they can tell themselves that they’re clean because it’s a guy that they’ve already slept with. “It’s as if it doesn’t really count!” they think.

I’ll admit that it’s tempting to go back for another tumble with girls I’ve dated. Mostly because I’ve already broken them in: they know what I like and there’s no hassle. When sleeping with a girl I already dated, I never have to say things like:

• “No, it’s not cool if your brother watches.”
• “Now you know: I don’t like it when you fist my ass.”
• “What’s that plastic bag for?”
• “You really want me to punch you when you reach climax?”
• “What the hell is a ‘safety word’? Is it—OH MY GOD!!! HAMBURGER!!! HAMBURGER!!!

Also on the plus side…sex with someone you’re dating is different than sex with a $15 prostitute you picked up outside of the V.D. ward of the hospital. And hopefully not just because of the ”name that fungus” game. There are just some things that you won’t do to a girl you’re dating. Like making her sleep in the wet spot, or really slapping her ass, or calling her names. I mean, generally I make love to girls I’m in a relationship with. Everyone else, I fuck. You’d better believe there’s a difference.

Why does this come into play? Well…have you ever carried a small petty grudge against someone you dated? I don’t mean filed charges against a stalker who sent you the severed heads of puppies, or the time you assaulted the whore who stole your car and gave you herpes. I mean small, almost insignificant frustrations you had against someone with whom you shared a mostly enjoyable part of your life. Maybe it was a phrase they said that drove you nuts, or a mannerism that was totally unconscious, or maybe it was just that you hated one of her best friends. There are few more satisfying revenges than anger fucking someone.

“Nag me about my facial hair, will you? Let’s see how much you like being poked in the eye!”