The Fashion Vigilantes

I was driving to work this morning when I suddenly realized what’s wrong with this country: there’s no one in charge of saying, “What the fuck is wrong with you leaving the house dressed like that?” That’s why I’d like to nominate myself as the dictator-for-life over people who can’t dress themselves. The Nazi-General of the Fashion Police, if you will.

Because it’s become apparent to me that people can't even be trusted to extend common courtesy towards each other. This country needs a “No shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

All of this occurred to me while waiting at a stoplight this morning. Because as I sat there trying to convince myself of a good reason not to just turn around and go back to bed, a jogger of about 60 ran by my car. He was wearing white sneakers and sweat-socks pulled up to his mid-thigh. Probably in the vain attempt to make up for his jogging shorts which had started the morning about 2 centimeters below his testicles. Apparently, after an hour of jogging and two gallons of sweat, the shorts had decided to gradually migrate north, as if desperately trying to escape into his navel.

I’ve seen porno movies from the 70s with less wiry, sweat-drenched hair. Honestly, I might have gotten his wardrobe all wrong—maybe he was just wearing water-logged chaps fashioned from the finest of high-land gorilla hide.

You’ve no doubt noticed by now that I haven’t mentioned a shirt as part of this enchanting ensemble. There’s a reason for that. Either the man was draped in absurdly thick body hair or an obscenely thin sweater. Normally, I’d have guessed the sweater if only for the sake of my queasy stomach. However, the gray hairs and eraser hard nipples screamed otherwise.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to pull my car up on the sidewalk and commit a hate-crime. Let me get this straight: it’s illegal for a hot supermodel to stroll around the streets topless, but Sasquatch is allowed to jog through rush hour traffic essentially naked? What has our society come to?

And why is it that joggers and bikers are always the last people on the planet to comprehend basic laws of fashion? Have you noticed that anytime you see depictions of the future, everyone’s wearing spandex? Joggers must assume that they're already living in the year 4000. News flash: I’ve been living in one of the most densely populated areas on the planet for 26 years now and the only people I’ve ever see who looked good in spandex were in comic books. Why the fuck would that change in the future? The sign of a truly advanced society would be one where 90% of our population is draped in moomoos, capes, and cleverly designed masks like the elephant man used to wear.

I’ve decided that enough is enough. If the government refuses to grant my request as a duly appointed elected official with the power to levy out beatings as I see fit, I’ll have to resort to vigilante justice. So if you don’t want to be assaulted with a bat by a maniacal white kid in a Honda, here’s the list that will save you a trip to the intensive-care ward:

1. Topless jogging is permitted only for females between 18-35 years of age, and only if the individual weighs between 95-150 pounds.
2. Above rules also go for spandex. Time for you bikers to give up the dream, ok? You don’t look like Lance Armstrong. You look like the morbidly obese motorcycle twins.
3. Speedos are hereby forbidden. It makes you look as if you can’t figure out how to carry grapes.
4. For men, wearing pink shirts is now punishable by death.
5. Unless you’re wearing it with the collar up. In these cases, the “cruel and unusual death” clause is waved. So ask yourselves: is this the day that I want to be strangled with my own nut-sack on my daily trip to Starbucks?
6. The punishment for mullets is beheading. If you can’t figure out how to cut your hair, I’ll show you how it’s done.
7. Josh Rupe, relief pitcher for the Texas Rangers.

Ahh…it’s a good solid list. Some coming amendments might include sweat pants with writing across the ass, sleeveless t-shirts, and anything from “Abercrombie and Fitch.” Keep your eyes pealed for headlines this weekend. Because the fashion-vigilantes could, quite literally, be striking a blow for good taste at a mall near you!