See apparently, I have this emotional disorder where the shit that I write best is when I’m pissed the fuck off. I first noticed this trend back in College when I was a theater reviewer. A lot of you are no doubt thinking at this point, “OK, so this dude slept in the same bed as a guy AND hung out in the theater??? How fucking gay is he???”
My answer is not at all. Because while most of the guys who hang out in a theater are gay, the women are generally hot and desperate for anything with a cock and an interest. And God blessed me with both…though I won’t make any claims about which is bigger. I like to think they’re both disturbing large.
But the most fun about working as a reviewer was the chance to take my rage out on under-paid, over-privileged actors who sucked. I mean…I heard I actually reduced some people to tears. Here are some actual excerpts from shit that was published:
“…the main character wears a white wedding outfit. That’s fine if you’re western, but I believe that in China white is the color of death and spirits. But who knows, maybe the lead was mourning the death of Mao Zedong. Or her acting career.”
“…emerging from this play I had a feeling similar to that you get after exiting an all-you-can-eat-Chinese-buffet: queasily full of sub-par, deep-fried crap.”
“His voice and technique were lacking quite a bit. If his partners were speeding along in racecars, Greene was trying to crack 30 mph in a ’72 Buick Skylark. Rather than beating a dead horse, let’s just say his singing was “Shatner-esque” and move on.”
“It’s a very long play. There’s no way around that. This sucker clocks in at just under four hours, making it nothing short of an epic. The Star Wars of gayness. The Free Bird of bisexuality.”
Look, I know I’m a psychopath. But I approached my reviews with this in mind: if there wasn’t an out-cry at least once a month to get me fired, I knew I had to ratchet up the hate a little more. Because when it got right down to it, all the funniest shit I wrote was done when I was all worked up and fucking fuming about some aspect of a God-awful show I’d had to sit through.
And that leads me back to my point about my blog. Looking back over the last few weeks, I think I’ve been way too fucking pensive and moody. “Wah, my life sucks because I have girl problems I can’t talk about.” “Wah, I wrecked my car.” It’s high time I get back to the basis of lashing out at unsuspecting targets.
So allow me to rededicate myself to rage by saying:
Fuck the government, religion, society, race, business and the economy. Fuck dating, whoring, and flirting. But mostly, fuck your mother!
I’ll be back tomorrow with more anger issues.
2 comments:
I can't wait!
While I've not noticed too much pensiveness OR whining, it's always a great feeling to get the "fire" back! I look forward to even more of the great quality stuff that I've read up until now!
Woo hoo!
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