As my list grew, I decided that it would probably be easier to just post a wanted ad. Because I’m too cheap to buy newspaper space however, I figure I’ll just post it here and hope that my dream woman happens to randomly come across my blog, drawn thither by the power of fate, destiny and true love.
Hopeless romantic seeks filthy whore.
26 year old white male who enjoys long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners, and snuggling seeks limber female companion to anger fuck. The successful applicant must be willing to perform in any and all of the locations below:
- Construction Site
- Office Desk
- Mall Changing Room
- McDonald’s Bathroom
- Crowded Street Fair
- The Vatican
- During High Speed Pursuits by Local and State Officials
Applicant will be needed to show up with-in ten minutes of a phone call (sort of like the “whore” equivalent to the bat-symbol) and perform without thinking, speaking, or crying about how we never talk about feelings. Special consideration (and an extra $50) will go to women who get the fuck out of my house before I finish my post-coital cigarette.
Position requirements include but are not limited to: Missionary, Doggie, Conch, Inversion, Cowgirl, Reverse Airplane, bondage, role-playing, anal, oral, and some light typing. Applicant must be so hot that she makes men want to "fuck the whore out of her."
Ehren is an equal opportunity dater. No applicant will be terminated based on race, religion, or sexual preference…that’s right, bring on the lipstick lesbians. I will, however, commit hate crimes against idiots, the humorless and fat people.
I know you're out there somewhere, dream woman. And it's only when I've penetrated your ass with the broken ends of a florescent light while strangling you, that we will both understand the meaning of "true love." Sigh...
3 comments:
He fucked the shit out of me and then fed me fried chicken!
He fucked the shit out of me until I said that it's half man, half fuckin'amazing.
Had me doing cartwheels and back flips with half of my naked body dangling and hanging from the side of the mattress. Fucking the hell out of me while he smashed my head into the carpet.
Mmmm...chicken
It's too bad those fascists on Lavalife would never allow this sort of profile in the "dating" section, because I think it'd probably yield some great results.
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