Why I Don't Watch Football

At any given time, I only have time in my life for about ten different things. They are, in order of importance:

1. Girls
2. Music
3. Blondes
4. Work
5. Redheads
6. Writing
7. Boobs
8. Reading
9. Asian Girls
10. Baseball

My life really can’t handle anymore interests. I just wouldn’t have enough time, particularly because numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 lead to my 11th interest: masturbation.

So every year, when the leafs change and I know baseball is winding to close, I think, "maybe I should start watching football, or basketball, or that weird ice sport played by guys with mullets and missing teeth…"

Here’s the problem: I don’t think it’s worth the stress and the time. Everything on the top ten occupies my mind roughly two hours a day. That leaves a precious four hours in which to take care of shit like bathing, paying bills, and being socially presentable. I don’t think I could deal with another sport. It’s more of my time that could be spent pretending I give a fuck about girls’ feelings.

Let’s see, I could either learn the intricacies of the “pass-interference rule” or listen to Wendy and her stripper-ass complain about how her boyfriend doesn’t appreciate her new underwear.

Every once in a while I think about branching out and expanding my interests. Honestly, it gets to be way too much of a hassle, because I can’t just pick something up and have fun. I have to set out to learn everything there is to know about it until it consumes my life and makes me miserable.

A few years ago, my friends decided to start a poker night. Now an ordinary guy would be happy just showing up, hanging out and drinking a few beers. No. I had to go buy a simulator program and commit four books to memory. And for what??? It’s a stupid, $20 once a week game!

I was the same way about sex. When I first starting having sex, I practiced so much I didn’t even enjoy it. It was “wow, here’s something you suck at. You’re going to learn to do this right or die trying.” A week in, my balls were emptier than a titty bar at 10 am.

I think this is why there are so many things I just refuse to take an interest in. Like cars, or football, or…fisting. Yeah, I guess it would be cool to know about that shit, but eventually it’s one more thing that tears into my time…or my girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s Busty Asian hour here at Ehren’s house. Hey, I’m multitasking!