Intergender Violence

Among the more compelling reasons not to beat on girls is this: any physical entanglement between a man and a lady inevitably ends with the male getting kicked in the groin. Now, I’ll be the first person to admit that there’s no excuse for beating a woman and any guy who does it probably deserves what’s coming to him. However, I think that all in all, girls choose to try to damage a guy’s chances at having kids way too easily.

I was eating lunch in mixed company at a local restaurant, when one of the girls related this tale:

She had been out drinking with a few people, when one of the fellas decided he wanted to drive home. He was noticeably drunk, and when you’re talking about an Irishman, that’s saying something. It was then that she and her friends decided it would be an extremely amusing time to play keep-away with the drunken man’s keys. Apparently, they are the worst judge of character ever. Shockingly, Drunk Guy was not in least amused and eventually wound up in altercation with the story teller. In trying to pry his keys from her hands, he managed to give her a rather nasty looking bruise on her forearm, which she rather proudly displayed to the table.

“You should have kicked him in the balls” chimed in a female listener.

See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Why do women feel the urge to immediately escalate levels of aggression to the “Ball-Kicking” level? It’s completely uncalled for.

Imagine that you, as a lady, are out on the town. It’s rush hour, the streets are packed and you’re jostling for position to hail a cab when you see a friend holding a door to a taxi for you down the street. In your hurry to get to your waiting carriage, you accidentally elbow a skinny guy out of your way. You turn to apologize over your shoulder, when the guy, very coolly, draws back and slugs you as hard as he can in the tits.

Justified? Of course not. Shit has gotten completely out of hand. These days it’s like negotiating aggression with dictators armed with nuclear weapons. “You say that maybe we should allow our women to vote, eh? That’s it, we’ll nuke you!”

Now like I said, when I started out, there ARE some cases where a kick to the nuts is completely justified. Like when you find your man sleeping with your 15 year-old sister. In that case, you are well within your rights to beat his sack like a piñata. But what we really need to institute is a strict set of guidelines about when attempted castration is a viable course of action. A sort of “Geneva Convention of Ball Kicking.”

I humbly suggest:

Justified:
Infidelity
Rape
Threat of life-altering violence
As a last resort when other negotiations have failed.

Not Justified:
I thought it would be funny
He’s pretending he doesn’t know why I’m upset
PMS
He made fun of my favorite “My Little Pony”



Failure to follow the laws will result in a swift retaliation, in the form of a fist to the breasts. In the cases of flat-chested women, a temporary lift on the “punching a woman in the teeth” ban will be instituted.

There. Now let’s all try to get along.