Why I Didn't Post Yesterday

My boss sent me home early yesterday, due to office technical problems that would have prevented me from accomplishing any work. Rather than use this time productively, I promptly scored a bottle of vodka and proceeded to get completely wasted before sundown.

What followed was a series of completely strange and unlikely events. For example, my friend needed to get a picture of a tollbooth for an ad he’s working on. So we hid the car on the side of the road and he marched up the center island with a camera. So let’s review: there were a Muslim and a Jew in a hidden car, while a second Muslim snuck up toward a hub of New Jersey Transit. I was just WAITING to get busted by Homeland Security officers and transported to Guantánamo Bay.

A bit of a side note: my friend thinks it’s hilarious to stand behind me in store lines and tell check-out girls that he saw me steal whatever credit card I use to pay with. Then he insists that I’m not the guy on my driver’s license. He’s done this at least 10 times. I was ready to administer the ultimate payback, had we gotten stopped by police:

“Thank God, officer! These two fundamentalists said they were going to kill me as part of their ‘Jihad.’”

Nothing like selling your friends down the river for a cheap laugh.

Fortunately (or “un,” depending on your sense of humor) I never got the chance to send my friends to a maximum security military prison. Oh well, there’s always the next time we get pulled over for speeding.

A number of my friends are currently living in a small house together, which is where we decided to go to drink. They’re all male, single and between 22 and 25 years old. Basically, it’s like “Lord of the Flies” only with more porn.

The house is rapidly turning into a certifiable slum. You can almost see them single-handedly lowering the property value of the entire neighborhood. They started out with a garbage can, but it’s more of a garbage wall: a mound of trash rising halfway to the ceiling. I keep expecting to see them chase a goat out of the living room, contentedly chewing one of the many unwashed cans.

As staggering as their willingness to expose themselves to conditions that led to plague outbreaks in Pre-Enlightenment Europe is, however, it's dwarfed by their overpowering and awe-inspiring laziness. For example, three days ago, Orange and Rockland shut off their electricity. I assumed that they were broke, but planning on getting it switched on when the first paycheck came in. As usual, I gave them far too much credit.

Here’s the exchange of the evening:

Me: So when do you guys think you’ll have electricity again?
Friend: Well, it’s not that we don’t have money. We just have to call and get the power put in someone else’s name.
Me: Wait…so all that’s preventing you from having heat and light again is a phone call?
Friend: yeah.
Me: So what did you do today?
Friend: ran an extension cord from the neighbor’s house over to here so I could watch TV.

Honestly, I’m shocked that they’re still bothering to use the restroom, and not just squatting in the corners. My prediction: eight months and a rat-infestation later, the place will be condemned by the city. They will move into piano crates on the street and not notice a significant change in their living environment.

Also, considering I drank about half a bottle of vodka and was hallucinating from cold, I take no responsibility for my actions last night. This includes any random marriage proposals I sent to various women.

More later today when I regain my equilibrium.