An Open Letter To The South

I was wandering through the video store today, desperately hoping to find something I could watch without being filled with the overwhelming urge to go on a Hollywood killing spree, when I saw this movie. Now, I realize that this is a British film and a parody, but the fact that we’re still talking about the Civil War is enough to make me want to revenge fuck lots of southern belles. But when I was done making love to Southern women, I’d sell videos of them in various stages of undress to humiliate them and their parents…wait, that’s Girls Gone Wild. I knew those movies had a purpose. That should really be their slogan: “Girls Gone Wild: Payback for the Confederacy.” God bless those boys.

Why is it that the South is still celebrating the Civil War with those gay-ass flags and re-enactments? It is with concern and respect that I offer this open letter to our inbred cousins below the Mason-Dixon Line.

Dear The South,

I know you and I don’t talk as much as we should. Granted a lot of that is because of you’re inability to say “you all” and “dental work,” but I guess I’m to blame, too. I should have done a better job at guiding you, teaching you, and steering you away from incestuous, anal-rapes.

Listen, it’s time for you to admit that the Civil War is over. The rest of the world has been polite and ignored your unhealthy obsession for the last 141 years, but it’s getting creepy now. You lost. Move on with your life. It’s like Bills fans celebrating losing the Super Bowl in four consecutive years. News flash: there were only two sides in the Civil War. There is no second place. Second place is we rape your children and impose our rights on your inbred asses because you’ve proven too incompetent to beat corrupt, chowder-eating fags. It’s not a moral victory. YOU FUCKING LOST.

You can start with taking the flags down. It’s the equivalent of Germans driving around with Swastika flags on their BMWs.

Next…cut out the country music. COMPLETELY. Steel guitars are the lowest form of musical expression, just below retarded children playing the triangle.

Now, I know you’ve contributed a lot to society, like…umm…sweet tea. Sure it’s sort of the equivalent of adding a clock to a radio, but that’s something. And don’t forget car racings. Sure horse racing is the Sport of Kings, but you took autos driving in circle for four hours at a time and made it the “Sport” of those with a Third Grade Edu-ma-cation. But maybe it’s time to branch out a little and stop resting on your laurels. Or you could start admitting that other people have good ideas. Things like, “Not wearing mullets,” “Deodorant,” and “acceptance of other cultures.” Tell you what, if you make an effort at all that, we’ll give you the whole incest and trailer park scene. In fact, I’ll sweeten the deal further: do everything I asked and I’ll throw in Britney Spears. That’s right, you can have her and all her hideous off-spring back on the condition that they never be allowed north of Virginia again. Come on, there’s at LEAST 5 years of amusement left there. Not to mention the enjoyment of the inevitable divorce and failed come-back tour. I swear it’ll be literally minutes of entertainment. Plus, she’ll actually make “y’all” seem like capable, coherent, responsible human beings. It’s win-fucking-win.

Lastly, we’ll give you a mull-again on Bush. I know Texas is a whole other head-ache and cultural phenomena, but you guys are close to them, and I’m completely fed-up with dealing with those assholes.

Thanks again for listening and taking my proposal into consideration. I hope you do the right thing so that you can move to your rightful place as “less crazy than Mexico.”

Regards,
(Dictated but not read or signed)
-Ehren