I’m not going to stand here and tell you that I’m not a DVD whore…I mean you’re looking at a guy who bought the special edition of Snatch two weeks after buying the regular edition. I’m sick.
At this point, it’s time we admit to ourselves that unless you’re planning on mailing body parts of yourself to Martin Scorsese or masturbating furiously to photos of Coppola, that no one has any use for the extra shit they cram on a disc. Like Lord of the Rings. The films were 3 hours long BEFORE the extended editions. Not even Quadriplegics can sit through movies that long.
On top of that, you’ve got 8 tracks of commentary in case you were in danger of forgetting the kinds of idiots who get work in Hollywood. Elijah Wood, your claim to fame is staring as the most prominent gay lead before Brokeback Mountain. Climb back in the hole with Mark Hamill. We’ll let you know when the next comic book convention roles around. Until then, we need you like the Middle East needs another cartoon demeaning Mohammed.
Each Lord of The Rings movie contains two entire DVDs of additional, behind the scenes footage. Who the fuck needs to watch 40 hours of behind the scenes footage? Are you going to call Peter Jackson with ideas about how he should have shot the film? Peter, I couldn’t even sit through your entire movie, what makes you think watching you film it is going to improve the experience for me?
Just once, I want them to make a REAL version of a “behind the scenes” documentary:
“Here’s Jason, the lead actor and teen heart-throb, snorting lines of coke and then taking it up the ass before his big scene. Wow, I haven't seen a man get nailed like that since Christ. You’ll notice the camera men eating donuts in the corner: they’re on strike to get their pay moved from $270 dollars an hour to $300. See that girl blowing the sound guy? She’s on screen for 10 seconds as a member of a crowd scene. To get that part she took more cocks inside her than a urinal at Yankee Stadium. What she doesn’t know is that a day after being gang banged by every crew member with a dick, her scene would be cut in editing. Welcome to Show-Biz, bitch!
“Oh, here’s one of my favorite scenes: Don, the director who never went to college, is throwing hot coffee at an intern with three PHD in film. Why don’t you get a degree in not fucking up my Latte, Asshole?”
2 comments:
E,
Once again you have set the bar high for us regular day-to-day hatters. So I have a question as a regular hatter how can I make more time to hate things other then old people driving in the fast lane, daily annoyances at the food market and Manny putting a lack luster effort in polishing my Bentley. I feel that my hate could be put to more use in other areas such as women’s sports, oppressing minorities and quite possible the homeless. Please send me some helpful tips to open up my hate horizons. Thanks
Sincerely,
MW3
Oh yeah those self-righteous harlequins making the special addition DVD’s can blow me.
Oh and another thing this gets a 10 on the hate-o-meter.
Like Iz says I feel like firmly slapping my butler across the face. Tata
Dear Hate-less in Harlem,
Thanks for your letter. The first step is to find a group of people who aren't expecting the hate that they're about to receive. Some Potential victims include:
*Joggers
*Infants
*The Dutch
*People Who Discriminate Against the Dutch
*Hockey Players
*The Guy At The DMV who made me wait 2 hours to renew my license
Next, lash out at them in the kind of way that not only demeans them, but brings yourself down a notch as well. Anything you can do take the battle one step below the lowest common denominator is worth the price. Really reach for that perfect comment that would make Klan members say, "Damn...That's COLD."
Keep up the practice and soon you'll be hating like cops on a minority suspect.
Best Wishes,
-Ehren
Post a Comment