Man-Stench

Apparently, I’m the only person in the world who dislikes the smell of cologne. I’ve made it through my entire adult life on exactly three bottles of the stuff. When it comes to man-stench, I’m a firm believer that less is more.

Alas, not everyone shares my opinion. If I wear a cologne, I like to have just enough so someone could smell it when cuddling up to me. Apparently, some people believe that the true purpose of cologne is to create a wall of stench so powerful, that anyone in a 15 foot radius blacks out from lack of oxygen. Basically, it’s like bathing in ether.

I have to admit, I don’t really understand man-perfume. I mean, I have a friend who flipped out when he heard that I wasn’t coordinating my scents.

“Listen, you can’t just buy deodorant from the supermarket and use it with different cologne and then a totally different body-wash! What’s WRONG with you?”

Seriously, the guy looked at my like I had just suggested that sex with sheep wasn’t such a bad thing. Body-wash??? Does this man realize that I used to bath and shampoo with dish-soap? In fact, I started shaving my head because I was sick of having to buy shampoo!

I tried to coordinate my scents. I really did. I bought Armani deoderant, bathwash, aftershave, and cologne. But one day in, I snapped and rushed home to shower. I was sick of people smelling me ten minutes before my car pulled up.

Maybe I’m missing the boat on this whole thing, though. It may be that I don’t like the smell because it’s loaded with pheromones. I remember I had a female friend who checked my dust-covered bottle of Armani and said, “Oh my God! This is the greatest cologne EVER. It smells like baby-powder and sex!”

Honestly, I just can’t generate the patience to care about this stuff. I walked into Macy’s last week, with the intent of finding a really great scent. 20 minutes later I threw myself on the mercy of the saleslady. After 15 minutes of testing cologne I couldn’t smell a solitary thing. She could have sold me Sasquatch Urine and I never would have known the difference. It was three days before I could taste food again.

The only reassuring aspect of this whole sad story is that I know it’ll be another four years before I need to go through this again. In the meantime, I’ll be that dude rolling up smelling of Bigfoot musk.