Pure Fluff

Generally, I like to write about stories or experiences which happened to me that somehow relate to whatever I'm going through. I was watching The Aristocrats yesterday, and it inspired me to write a pure comedy ruitine. For those of you haven't seen the movie, "The Aristocrats" is a joke that comedians tell each other. The joke changes depending on who’s telling it. It goes like this: a guy walks into an agent’s office and pitches an act that he does. The act is always the most horrible, disgusting, offensive thing that the comedian can think of. Generally incest, bestiality, violence and bodily functions play a big role. But the punch line is always, “What’s the act called?”

“The Aristocrats.”

The dialogue below is NOT true and is simply me giving my own offensive and funny version of the joke. Enjoy:

I was speaking to a girl the other day who happens to be Catholic. Very devout: no premarital sex, worships every Sunday…some Sundays twice. Of course, evil, sinning, Jew that I am, I started questioning her about it.

Me: So, everything in the world is predetermined, God knows everything that we’re going to do before we do it, and we are made in God’s image. Why exactly should we feel guilty for things we do again? Isn’t everything we do part of God’s plan? Or is his plan just the good stuff? If it is, then it’s not much of a plan. If it’s not, why should we feel sorry? Aren’t we just carrying out His will?

Her: It’s not like that! You should just come with me one day!

Me: Yeah, I can see it now. I’ll come sauntering in and give the old pistol salute to the priest. "‘Sup, Padre?" Then the quick point over to Christ on the Cross. "Jesus. Good to see you’re right where I put you."

Her: That’s a terrible thing to say!

Me: You want to hear terrible things to say in a church? You should have heard the things that priest said to me the last time I was in a church.

Her: You were in a church? What’d he say?

Me: I don’t know…You’d think it was the first time he ever walked in on someone having sex with a "technically" underage girl in a confessional. Wasn’t it Jesus who said, "Suffer the little children, come unto me"?

Her: That’s NOT what he was talking about!

Me: Were you there? All I know was he was a single dude who hung out with 12 other single men, roaming from town to town. And FYI, it’s a good thing for him that the Messiah thing worked out for him. Because if He was any kind of halfway decent carpenter, His dad would have made Him stick around. How shitty a carpenter do you have to be where when you tell your dad that your life calling is to wander the desert with other single men, your pops says, "You know…yeah. You do that. I got the carpenter thing taken care of. It’s not like your mother or I need any help supporting ourselves in our old age."

Her: Are you saying that Jesus was a bad son?

Me: All I know was my parents wouldn't let me drop out of college to join a band. I guess Mary must have known something when she said, "No Joe. His path is roaming campsites and truck-stops with unshaven single men."

Her: Oh my GOD! What does your shirt say?

Me: This? It says, "Jesus was gay." The other side has a picture of two Mexican dudes making out. Now listen, you should come hear my band play.

Her: What's your band called?

Me: We're a Christian Rock band called "Pious."

Ta Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!