Why I Hate Jersey, Part 1

With stress and wanderlust mounting, I decided to hit the road last weekend, leaving my poor blog unattended. Maybe in the future I’ll set up guest authors when I’m out of town. That way, people can get a window into the minds of the crazy friends I keep referring to.

Q: Why are New Yorkers so pessimistic?
A: Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

My journey led me south, through New Jersey. I’m aware that I have a large contingent of readers in California, Virginia, and (for some reason) Canada. For those of you who have never had prolonged exposure to Jersey, allow me to fill you in a few well known facts about this armpit of the United States:

• New Jersey became a state in 1787. It was the first and only state made up entirely of landfills.
• New Jersey’s only two contributions to society are cheap gas and cigarettes. Only fitting of a state whose water, soil and air are technically classified as “Biological hazards.”
• Every “Welcome to New Jersey” sign contains the small print: Surgeon General’s Warning: Pregnant women should stand clear as prolonged expose may cause birth-defects.
• New Jersey alternates between slums and mansions. There is no middle-class. As a result, most of the state now resembles nothing so much as South Africa: Palatal Mansions, guarded by mercenaries with submachine guns overlooking shanty-towns where armed locals, covered in flies and disease, fight over the carcasses of rats and dogs.
• New Jersey drivers abide by rules known only to themselves. To say that their goal is to break every existing traffic law each time they get behind the wheel would be implying some sort of logic. The rules aren’t as easy to grasp as “red means go” or “’Do Not Enter’ means hit the gas.” The second you pass over the boarder, you instantly enter a reality where the rules of the road no longer apply. Red means up; stop means west; merge means engage in cannibalism.

Having observed New Jersey drivers for a good length of time, I’ve put together a few guidelines that would explain their behavior:

Rule 1: Arriving at your destination a fraction of a second earlier is worth risking your life along with the lives of everyone else on the road. It’s as if every single New Jersey driver is perpetually 20 minutes late for the most important event of his or her life.

Rule 2: The only thing more important than arriving at your destination a half second earlier than normal is impeding the progress of everyone else on the road. As such, turn signals should be used only to confuse your enemies. Your enemies are, of course, anyone you happen to be sharing the roads with.

Rule 3: Under no circumstances allow your vehicle to conform to emission laws.

Rule 4: In order to qualify for a New Jersey License, you must have no regard for the lives of your family, friends, strangers or yourself. Common courtesy, indeed, fundamental decency should be spit upon at every possible instance. So what if someone has been waiting in a line for gas? Fuck him! Cut him off and then give him the finger. You decided to make a left on red, across six lanes of traffic and killed a pregnant woman pushing her paraplegic grandmother? Fuck them! Get out of your car, rape grandma and then piss on the corpse.