Warning: Politics May Be Hazardous To Your Health

I’d like to state right now that I did not watch the State of Union address. Why? I decided I’d spare myself the unneeded stroke and/or brain aneurism.

I have reached the point in my life where I feel that the politicians have won: do what you want, just don’t bother me anymore. Seriously. Don’t even pretend that you want my voice, opinion, feedback, guidance, interest or criticism. I’m ready to just bend over and take Uncle Sam’s inevitably bloody ass-rape.

Following politics today boggles the mind. Every time I turn on the news or read a news story I feel like I’m the only sane person left in the world. Example: Bush says Iraq has weapons of mass destruction and is going to bomb us. We go to war and there are none. Now the administration says that we went to free Iraqis. Everyone nods sagely and goes back to work. Apparently, I’m the only one who notices or cares.

Example: Bush supporters attack John Kerry as being cowardly during Vietnam. Somehow, this gets air-time. Look, John Kerry could have gone to Vietnam and slaughtered children and his own troops and STILL been more courageous than Bush. Bush didn’t do dick during the war. He allegedly skipped out on the champagne unit and got high on cocaine. I was more courageous than Bush, ok? And I wasn’t even born yet.

Example: Bush is accused of illegal wiretaps. He says it’s for security. Everyone accepts it and moves on. And I sit here wondering how different this really is from Watergate. But I’m the only one who cares.

Following politics these days is like this: a Bush crony comes out and takes a massive shit in front of the cameras. Someone asks, “Why’d you do that?” Bush crony attacks the journalist as unpatriotic and the rest of the room stands and applauds. The next day, the Bush crony denies there ever was a shit.

I used to follow this stuff. If I seem like a stressed out person now, you should have seen me during the Republican National Convention. I literally reached my snapping point. I found myself standing on a chair, screaming at the top of my lungs at the television. My blood-pressure must have been at the same level as a hummingbird. Why?

OK, someone correct me if I’m off base here. The entire Republican National Convention was based on: 9/11 was tragic and Bush led us through that. The Daily Show had clips at the end counting the number of times the words “September 11th” were spoken. It had to be in the high 30s.

So here’s what led me to my meltdown: I fail to recognize how overseeing the biggest security melt-down in U.S. history is grounds for reelection. Unless the point was, "we promise not to fuck up again!" It was like Clinton running on a pro-blowjob platform. And yet the entire country just nodded and agreed. No one in the media said a thing.

The current goal in politics today is to punish you for thinking or knowing anything, so I’ve finally decided to play ball. I’ve accepted that apparently I’m the only person who pays attention and I can’t deal with that level of stress and responsibility anymore. If I didn’t quit, the only possible path for me was to take a riffle up to the old book depository.

What’s life like without politics? It’s ok. I have a lot more things to be stressed about: women, my job, the weather, car-payments and music. The only thing that’s really bad is that politics keeps poking its head up around the periphery of my world and getting my heart-level racing again. So do me a favor: don’t ask me if I watched the State of the Union Address. It should be obvious I didn’t. Why? I’m not dead of a massive coronary.