Name That Mental Illness Or Physical Defect and Other Joys Of Dating

Princess, thanks so much for mercilessly pimping my blog. I often think if everyone who read my posts here told three friends, and each of them told three friends…I’d still have no social life and make no money. But at least I’d be popular…to strangers…over the internet.

Speaking of online friends, my buddies and I recently had a discussion about the loserliness of internet dating. Lots of people feel that meeting someone over through the computer is the dating equivelent of food shopping at the dollar store. I'm not sure I agree.

When I first started blogging, way back when I was still using My Space, I wrote a bit about how I didn’t understand the online dating process. Now I’m a little bit older and a little bit wiser…well, older anyway. I’ve actually successfully picked a few girls up online so I guess I have more perspective on the whole phenomena.

Picking someone up in cyberspace is like the opposite of going down to a singles bar. At a bar or a club, the music is usually turned up so load that you can’t speak to anyone. When you pick someone up, it’s based almost entirely on appearance. I mean, girls say they like a guy with a sense of humor. How exactly am I supposed to make you laugh when horrible music is blasting at decibels and frequencies meant to collapse high-rises? Essentially, you go to a club to hook up with someone good looking. Why do those relationships fall apart? Because sooner or later you realize that she’s a bitch, or an idiot, or trying to harvest your kidneys for sale on the black market.

When you pick someone up online, you’re getting to know all about their personality. Intelligence, sense of humor, beliefs…you know, all those little things that I hear are so important to a working relationship. The downside is you might not be physically attracted to the other person when you finally get together. Come on, all of us have those pictures that make us look amazing. And we sure as hell flaunt them online at every opportunity. When you finally meet someone you’ve only seen pictures of, you realize little things like: wow, maybe you should have told me that you just got out of the burn-victims ward; leprosy is not Indian for “sexified;” no, you definitely never mentioned that you were not “technically” a woman; and there really is no such thing as a “young 85.”

Online dating sucks…but I don’t think it sucks any more than regular dating. I guess meeting people is hard, because ultimately, we’re not looking for “people,” we’re looking for a special someone. I don’t think that online dating should carry any kind of social stigmatism these days. There are bad dates aplenty out there, both online and in bars. Some have goiters the size of a football helmet. Others stab you with a power-drill while you sleep because they think you’re “planning to leave, just like daddy.” So don’t hate against the online daters. There are plenty of psychos and sideshow freaks to go around.