I also have a theory that people in relationships can’t stand seeing any of their friends single, or as I pronounce it “happy.” Seriously, I love how I can hang out with someone all day and hear nothing about how miserable their boyfriend/girlfriend/unguarded paraplegic cousin makes them. Then they find out I’m single and immediately try to get me into a relationship with some random girl they met on the subway.
It’s not a coincidence they call it being “set up.”
Look, I appreciate the effort, but let me just say this: there’s a reason that your female friends are single, ok? I’m unattached, not blind and hopeless.
My personal favorite, however, is when I’m hanging out with someone who says, “You’re single? You know, I have a friend who would be perfect for you.”
“What’s she like?”
“Well, she has a great personality.”
“So she’s fat?”
“Why do guys always ask that? She’s SO much fun.”
“So she’s over 200 pounds?”
Shut up! She’s sweet.”
“Christ, how fat is she??? Can she walk under her own power or does she just ride around on a moped?”
Listen, no ever describes Victoria’s Secret models as “having great personalities.” It just never happens. And I know the reason: because women don’t want to hang out with girls who are exponentially more beautiful than themselves. Every girl secretly believes that she is the hottest member of her group of friends, so when they offer to hook you up it’s never with some playmate. It’s always some charity case that your buddy uses to improve her self-esteem. Just once, I want the conversation to go:
“I have a friend who would be perfect for you.”
“What’s she like?”
“She’s a total cunt, but Christ does she have a great ass.”
See that would be someone I’d be interested in meeting. Because you know what? I know enough about my female friends to know that they have a better idea about a girl’s ass than anyone’s personality. What the fuck does that even mean, personality? You just finished telling me about your ex boyfriend who fucked your sister and tried to steal your car. Now you think I’m going to trust your judgment on someone’s character?
Besides, the term “personality” is way too slippery and capricious. People have opinions on whether your friend Bertha is nice. No one ever argues about whether Jessica Alba has a great ass.
3 comments:
OMG this is too funny but so true.
"Vented in your box..." lol indeed.
Yes, "there is a reason that your female friends are single". It's pretty close to the same reason men are. We'd rather be single that to be hooked up with someone who is unsuitable for us.
And, just what is it with girls anyhow. I have two people believing that I'd be happier with a man... That number used to be three unfortunately, my grandmother passed away...
So, all you coupled up people out there who are trying to set your friends up, please heed Ehren's words. If we really wanted to have a man or woman in our lives, we surely would!
Thanks for this Ehren!
PS. It seems that your female readership is on the rise. Keep up the good work!
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