Unfortunately, there is no cure. But there is a treatment. So please, my friends, send rap music.
Actually, today I was thinking that I would just embrace my affliction and buy a villain chair for my desk at work. Maybe that would turn my life around a little. I mean, considering I’m white and Jewish, how the fuck am I the corporate bitch with $62.87 in my checking account? By all rights I should be running a crooked investment firm that mercilessly fucks over hard working people of other ethnicities.
I went out drinking last night (what the fuck, it was Tuesday. I earned it) and while trying to figure out why exactly the floor kept refusing to let me up, I noticed a very attractive girl at a table behind me. And I immediately reached the place that I ALWAYS come to when I see a hot girl. I thought to myself, “I’m young, disease-free, and not completely repulsive. I should go talk to her.”
What usually happens next is that I launch myself over there, open my mouth and realize I have no fucking clue what I should say next. So I say something that gives a whole new meaning to the term “awkward silence.” Something like the first two paragraphs of this blog. See, and you thought that I was just going off on a tangent here.
Generally, after I finish there is dead silence while girls study their surroundings for the closest available exit. It’s not that I don’t have balls—it’s just that I completely lack any sort of way to harness my courage and humor. It’s sort of like having a 10” cock and never showing it to another person.
Actually, in this case, the two afflictions are one and the same. I'm kidding. I don't have a sence a humor.
So I have come to a decision: I realize that I suck at this type of thing. And just like with A.A., the first step is recognizing that you have a problem. Now I’ve spent 26 years trying to figure out women on my own and I haven’t learned a goddamn thing. Seriously, I have just realized that I haven’t deepened my knowledge of women since nursery school. Back than, my summery of women could be boiled down to three traits:
- Warm
- Soft
- Smell nice
22 years later, I’m still in the same place. I see I girl and what runs through my head is, “Wow, she’s hot. Maybe I should put a frog down her dress.”
So here is my decision: I am going to completely abandon my current in-person seduction techniques. Because I realized the only time in my life that I got any sort of a real education about women came in an hour-long sex-ed class in seventh grade. And that class can be summarized in two sentences:
“If you have sex without a condom, you’ll get Chlamydia. Here’s a picture.”
And that just sucks. So I’m going in for professional help. I’m one chapter in, and I have to admit it’s a revelation. It's not like my goal is to sleep with hundreds of women, because I've learned that sex for sex's sake is ultimately unfufilling. Sweaty, oily, relaxing unfufilment. So I don't want to bang 2000 girls; I just want to be able to make the leap from looking at a girl to making out with her minus completely degrading myself or handing over money.
5 comments:
I felt a lot of sympathy for you reading this, however I am sure you may have made yourself seem worse off then you really are for literary effect. No offense of course, but through your writing you come across as a very funny, stable, intelligent and decent guy. "White" guy, if you must.
Perhaps you are approaching the wrong type of girls. Are you going after beautiful, high maintanence creatures? Because girls like that are usually bitches. Trust me. It is a rare gem to find a beautiful, down to earth girl. But I digress.
What I am getting at is that it all comes naturally. If talking to a girl feels forced or phoney, then chances are you won't feel like yourself in a relationship with her. Being yourself is key. Present yourself as you would want someone to be honest with you. Relax. Try engaging in light conversation about her interests, like music or movies. If she likes romantic chick flicks and Hilary Duff, run. Kungfu movies and comedies, good.
Also, let me just add...if she isn't interested in you, then she she really isn't worth your time of day. Ditch the attitude "Why won't she go out with me?" and keep the attitude "Why wouldn't she go out with me? Something's wrong with her!"
Key notes from this lecture:
1) Be yourself
2) Be confident
3) Remember - - - anyone who doesn't go out with you is the loser, not you!
WELCOME TO PLAYERHOOD GRASSHOPPER.
You may start your journey wanted to just talk to girls without looking like a looser, but you’ll be bringing home strippers and barflys in no time.
(Speaking from Experience)
I wanted to think a while about android's response before I posted something. There's a HUGE difference between dating a woman and picking her up. Since I began dating women, I've only ever had one break up with me. So I have no trouble believing that I posess value and many desirable qualities. In the long term, I'm sure these feautures come across.
The difficulty is presenting those features in the 15 seconds that a women gives you on your first meeting. What I need help with is not building a relationship built on trust, humor and conversation, but getting myself to the place where those features can be seen and appreciated.
Basically, I don't need help with the product, just the advertising.
I suppose it's just from my experience that if you've got the goods then selling yourself falls into place naturally.
I find breaking the ice with humour works. Most women appreciate intellectual wit. If you can get 'em to laugh, you're as good as in.
Regardless, good luck with your advertising and pick-up tactics...I wish you lots of good make-out sessions!
Wow, with only $62 dollars and change in the checking account it leaves my mind to wander (or wonder) as to the quality of women you hand money out to.
Maybe you should just try being a working gigilo and let the women come to you (or on you) and that way there is little or no talking to be done. Perfect solution for you! LOL
JB
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