Break Up Lies And Torture By Indifference

I was reading Gary’s blog and he had a post about women using the phrase “Let’s just be friends.” It’s a great topic, so I’ve decided I’m totally going to mooch off of him and steal it.

I’ve never actually been told “I like you as a friend,” but as far as I’m concerned, hearing that line would lead to a bitch out of epic proportions. Here’s why: I have no problem with rejection. Rejection is fact of life. Not everyone can get along with everyone else. What I do have a problem with are blatant lies. Lies that just insult your intelligence and have obviously not even warranted any amount of effort. Like when people say that that Maria Carey is good.

If I’m going to be lied to by a girl, I at least want there to have been some energy put into the lie. That’s why I would much rather hear any of the following lines from a girl who didn’t want to see me:

• I have a crime-fighting alter-ego, and I can never risk the lives of the ones I love by getting too close. Now I must go, for the good of the city!
• Tonight at midnight I will magically return to mermaid form and spend the rest of my life under the sea.
• Tomorrow I leave the country on a swash-buckling adventure to search for the legendary arc of the covenant.

See, I’d like to think that woman letting me down actually had to suffer a little bit. And if I feel that they haven’t suffered adequately, then I think it’s my right, nay my duty, to make her squirm.

For example, one of my favorite moments was when I was in the room of a girl I had been seeing for about two days, and she said, “I don’t think I’m right for you. You’re too good for me.” In a split second, I decided that I was going to punish her for her lie.

Without blinking an eye I said, “Yeah, I agree. So what’re you up to now?” Where-upon I proceeded to park myself on her couch with a grin on my face, not in the least bit troubled. I hung out with her for about two hours, chatting away, joking and smiling. She had a miserable time. I could see the surprise fade to agitation, and the agitation fade to resentment and the resentment fade to anger. By the time I left, I’m pretty sure that she was ready to stab me on sight.

See, when you prepare to break up with someone you always mentally prepare yourself for the worst: yelling, crying, begging, or pleading. No one prepares themselves for indifference. The worst part about my torture was not even sitting there twisting the emotional knife in her heart for two hours. It was that late at night she was going to wonder why I had absolutely no reaction to being dumped. Was she not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Bad in bed? Was I seeing someone else?

So here’s the cardinal rule of break-ups: be honest, or, failing that, at least be plausible. Otherwise, you have every right to be called on your bullshit. And there are still some people out there who have no problem doing it.