Sports Center and I usually get along pretty well: I love baseball; I tolerate football and basketball, and have no interest in golf or hockey. I subliminally soak up the sports news of the day and all is well.
Recently, however, Sport Center has been testing the limits of my patience. And not just because of Ron Artest, either. Every morning, for the last two weeks they’ve been flogging the Daytona 500 with segments like “The Legacy of Dale Earnhardt” and “The Safety of NASCAR.”
Listen to me: NASCAR is not a sport. It's not even a game or entertainment. It’s the lowest rung of Natural Selection. Death is the only possible out come when you put drunken hicks into cars and have them make left turns for four hours. I’ve had rashes that were more fun to watch.
And don’t talk to me about the “skill of these great athletes.” I doubt half these drivers can read the advertisements on the sides of their cars. Skill my ass! I drove a truck professionally for a year. When they have to make a left turn across six lanes of traffic, in driving snow, in a busted-ass Ford Ranger without spilling their frosties, I’ll be impressed. As for the athletic part, they are to athletes what Dungeons and Dragons players are to Viking Warriors.
Someone tell me again about what hero Dale Earnhardt was. Ok, here’s the deal: to be a hero you have to do something brave, selfless, and at great personal risk. Dying in a blaze of failure and grease-fire is none of those things. He’s a hero in the same way John Beluschi was a hero. Oh wait, that’s not fair. John Beluschi had talent. Being a dumb redneck and crashing your car doesn’t make you a hero. That’s why everyone in Tennessee doesn’t own a purple heart.
For some strange reason, huge percentages of the south seem enthralled by this pseudo-sport. Hey, I don’t really care if they want to waste their lives. The more time they spend obsessing about NASCAR, the less time they have to don bed sheets, burn crosses and sodomize their siblings.
Generally, NASCAR takes the same general spot of my consciousness as girls shitting: I know it’s done, but I’d rather not have to think about it. And you know what? So far it’s worked pretty well. Then Sports Center starts in on this bullshit and I have to decide which is more entertaining first thing in the morning: Rednecks and they’re cars or the Jesus Channel with the lady with pink hair.
After about a week, I’m about ready to start mailing my money to Pat Robertson.
1 comment:
I would give you a hate-o-meter rating but its still busted from yesterday. E why don't you ture to ESPN the "Ocho" they got better sports then NASCAR.
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