The Rolling Stones 2079: The Colostomy Tour

A few thoughts about the Rolling Stones after watching the Super Bowl Half-Time Show:

• Jagger is now probably banging the grand-daughters of the girls he screwed during the Stones’ early tour.

• The Stones still think they're 17. There is no excuse for 65 year-old men to be wearing belly-shirts and sequins. In fact, there’s no reason for any man to wear belly shirts or sequins unless your name is Siegfried or Roy.

• Last night history was made, when it was revealed that the new bass player is black. It was only the second Rolling Stones concert in history attended by a black man. I believe they made a documentary about the other one.

It was really sad to watch them stagger around the stage. At one point, these guys were dangerous, unpredictable, and electric. Now they can’t even shit on their own. Mark my words, on the Rolling Stones’ 2079 World Tour Keith Richards will have a colostomy bag hooked up to his guitar while Jagger struts his sequin wheelchair up and down the stage.

The Stones really summarize everything that sucked about the 60s and Rock Music. There was so much hope, possibility, and real willingness to change the status-quo. Where are we now? The Stones are sponsored by an insurance company and play a half-time show because The NFL commissioner doesn’t want anything Risqué.

Can anyone remember the last band that people were actually scared to go see? It depresses me that this generation has boy bands and teen idols as their spokespeople and role-models. What happened to the days of liking bands that your parents forbade you to go see. In fact, can anyone even name the last band that made people nervous?

I’m not really an Ozzy fan. I appreciate his contribution to music history, though. And I get real pissed when people refer to his tunes as “Devil music.” Ozzy’s music is pretty much based on a society of outcasts. The points of Sabbath’s tunes were “fuck the norm. Embrace your differences. Don’t bother trying to blend in.” Compare that to N’ Sync which pretty much says, “The only way to be cool is to be exactly like this.” Which is more evil? Minor chords do not a Satanist make.

In case you didn’t notice, I utterly failed in my attempt to drink the Superbowl into tolerance. The day after has left me feeling like a woman on prom-night: not nearly buzzed enough, bored, and utterly unsatisfied. Welcome to American Culture and Rock Music!