Dressing Up and Down

I don’t even pretend to understand fashion. I know that women can spend an ungodly amount of time shopping, dressing and primping. It’s just simply not in my power to pretend to care about stuff like this. A day shopping for clothes is pretty much the same for me as a day at the dentist.

I had a good strategy for all of college: when I buy any clothes, they have to go with everything else in my wardrobe. It’s the only possible way I can be assured that everything would match.

I’ve always felt that everything you need to know about marriage and fashions can be summed up by a glance at what everyone wears to a wedding. The woman is wearing a $2,000 dress that took her three months to buy and she’ll only wear once, while the guy and all his friends are dressed in $50 tuxes they rented the day before. Why is it done that way? Because this way, if the Groom doesn’t show everyone takes one step over and the wedding continues as planned.

I don’t want you to think that I look down on girls who dress up. Far from it! God bless them! I appreciate girls who dress up and show themselves off…because Lord knows, I love looking at women.

Women fashion is a mysterious world. Like bras. I’ve no idea what is going on with them, however commercials have led me to believe that more technology has gone into breast support than the last space center launch. A few years ago, I saw a commercial advertising a push-up bra with three settings. If I were the one writing the descriptions, the three settings would be wound, stun and kill.

However, as little as I know about fashion, there are a few things I have to bring up about how girls dress. The first is the hair. It seems like every girl I’ve ever met has this strange delusion that short hair looks great on women. If I wanted to date someone with short hair I’d be making hot, sweaty tongue love to Mr. Clean right now. We want you to dress in ways that accentuates your femininity, not makes us notice what an uncanny resemblance you have to Sean Connery.

I like women who wear glasses. Lots of girls don’t like the four eyes look. I think it’s great. Lenses can make a girl look very sophisticated. Glasses can be sexy…although that might be my irrational goal of making love in a library talking. Mmmm…librarians.

Once I dated a girl who owned a pleather nurse’s outfit. Who knew that oral thermometry and hernia exams could be so much fun? There was another girl who owned a field hockey uniform. It’s pretty much a shortened school-girl outfit. Hey, I never got to fuck a Catholic School girl…in uniform. Can’t you let me dream?

I’ve heard some women ask why men like lingerie so much. It’s the same concept as why people like unwrapping presents. The best part of Christmas isn’t once you have the gifts, it’s while you’re tearing it open and just beginning to suspect what’s inside.