I Stand Behind Homosexuals...Well, Not "Behind" Them...You Know What I Mean

I was asked by a friend to write a post on lesbianism. Let me say that I believe in taking requests, but it’s not my intent to start talking about politics. Why? Because as sexist and alienating as my views on inter-gender relations are, my political beliefs tend to be even more divisive. Unfortunately, these days, it’s impossible to mention gay-rights and not get into the recent legislation and “public debate.”

I’ve always been of the mind that the largest problem with this country (other than New Jersey, I mean) is that so many people obsess about other people’s business. If you have nothing better to do than worry about what the hell other people are doing, you’re not being nearly productive enough. Get a hobby, get religion, or get laid; just quit bitching about how other people live.

There is no reason to be against gay marriage. The only people who are threatened by it are closet homosexuals. There are laws in some states against oral and anal sex. I’m proud to be criminal, and somehow, Jesus hasn’t risen from the dead to smite me down yet. Here’s what I don’t get: how many times a year do we see stories on the news about owners marrying two dogs? Where’s all the uproar about that? Are you telling me that two dogs getting married isn’t a mockery, but two loving adults who happen to be the same sex is an affront to all marriage stands for? Please. Get your ass out of the closet and quit your bitching. The only way gay marriage affects straight couples is if you’re into spouse-swapping.

The reason that these amendments keep getting shot down is pretty simple: about 30% of the population is extremely homophobic. I’m not sure what the percentage of gay people is in this country, but it’s got to be lower than 30%. Everyone else is like, “Huh? This is an issue?” The two ends of the spectrum fight it out and everyone else just sort of looks around blankly and shrugs.

I’m proud to announce that I’ve got no problem with gay people. Go you! Way to teach the rest of us how to dress! I’m strongly pro-lesbian, and not just because of the Cinemax specials. In fact, I’ve been doing my best to convert women to lesbianism, one girl at a time. I’ve got nothing but respect for girls who are fed up with the bullshit of men.

I don’t have a problem with gay guys, either. The way I see it, it’s just less competition for us few, diehard heterosexuals. That’s it, my gay, brethren: give up and leave the woman to me. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

One of my friends was telling me today that they were asked, “What would you do if your son or daughter turned out to be gay?” I wasn’t aware that that would be something that warranted any sort of action. It’s sort of like asking, “What if your son grows up to like boxing?” In either case, you pat them on the head and say, “I support your decision to take a shot in the mouth from another man.”

Damn, I’m going to make a bitching dad some day.