What To Yell During Sex

Back in the day, there was a Sports Center Anchor named Kenny Mayne. If you never saw him, the man was a genius. He would be recapping a highlight and say the most random things you ever heard when there was a touchdown or homerun. For example:

“I am king of the diamond! Let there be a grand clubhouse feast! Bring me the finest meats and cheeses throughout the land!”

“Everyone put your hands in the air and wave them around as if there are no repercussions.”

“Even with derogatory credit, you can own a brand new car.”

It was hilarious…particularly first thing in the morning if you were skipping your 8 A.M. class. Kenny Mayne taught us that random things can have other meanings in different situations.

Staying on this line of thought, things you say in bed can take on different meanings as well. So how do you know just what is acceptable to yell out? The last thing you want to do is ruin the mood by yelling something inappropriate. To that end, my friends and I created a list of phrases to scream at that critical moment. If you need a cheat sheet, feel free to staple it to the back of your girlfriend’s head.

• Yahtzee!
• You won Ben Stein’s Money!
• I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school!
• You Sunk My Battleship!
• Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
• Your money’s on the dresser!
• We’re gonna need a bigger boat!
• Shazaam!
• I’m going to Disney Land!
• Forgive me, father, for I have sinned!
• I want a baby!
• You're the best...today!
• Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!
• Your mom’s hot!
• Let’s just be friends!

Let it never be said I never helped anyone.