Three's A Crowd

I have many friends who speak of a "threesome" in a hushed and revered tone. As if even breathing the word could jinx the experience from ever happening. It’s a sort of Holy Grail for men. Frankly, I’ve never really understood why it wouldn’t be a bigger draw for women. From what I’ve heard from my female friends, men seem to have problems satisfying a single woman, let alone a pair.

I was watching TV in my room at college when I was joined by one of my hook-up friends from down the hall. We started talking and decided that we wanted to rent a movie, so I called another girl that had a car. Girl number two drove us to the video store where we picked up a few videos, including one insanely boring Sci-Fi series that had come out on DVD. The girls picked up the movies while I went next-door to procure the other vital ingredients to a threesome: two bottles of Bacardi and a gallon of wine.

I’d like you to understand that at this point, while I figured I was going to get lucky, I NEVER thought that I had a shot with both at the same time. It really never entered my mind. We’d all hung out together before, and I never figured it was an option. Men if you’re taking notes, here are the required ingredients:

1. Alcohol. Women need to have an excuse for themselves later. Even if they know exactly what they’re doing, they have to be able to tell themselves the next day, “I was drunk.”


2. One of the girls should be Bi. I’ve read somewhere that all girls have at least considered hooking up with another woman. It sounds like wishful think in my opinion. At any rate, girls who actually have these feelings are a lot more willing to act on it if the available girl is an experienced pro. Once again, it provides them with an excuse for the next morning.


3. An endless supply of fairly boring TV. The pretense is that you’re going to get a drinking game together involving the horrible show. The show has to go on long enough that everyone gets drunk, gets bored, and has something to pretend to focus on in those moments before the encounter is locked up. That is, Girl number two can pretend not to notice that girl number one has both hands down your pants if some zany centaur is being chased by a witch on TV.

Now, as I said, I really had no idea what was coming. I had combined all these volatile ingredients into a container, added a bed and some music and voila! I was exactly like the guy who invented champagne: shocked and delighted by the entertaining substances that flowed forth.

Honestly, having a threesome had never really ranked that highly on my list of things to do. Sure I’d considered it, but ultimately it just never ranked highly enough for me to actively seek it out. I think that this was a factor in the success of the evening. If I had been a perv about the whole situation it would have creeped out both girls, but because I was my usual oblivious self the whole thing sort of evolved (or devolved, depending on your view of such things) naturally.

If I were a different sort of dude in bed I probably would have enjoyed myself a lot more. I think we guys sort of imagine both girls turning all their attention on us, combining to bring us to a level of enjoyment we had only dreamed of. That really wasn’t my experience. First of all, what you have to realize is that at least one of the girls figures that this is her last opportunity to hook up with another woman. Girls are offered dick at least once every twenty seconds of their waking lives. When she gets the once in a lifetime chance to try the alternative, plain old penis is hard to tempt her with. Second, I’m a bit of a workaholic. When there’s a job to be done, I believe in “getting on it” and “banging it out,” if you’ll excuse the expressions. What I’m saying is that I believe in doing my work thoroughly and while I like to think I’m pretty capable in bed, I had suddenly been presented with a double workload.

When I started looking for a band, I decided that I didn’t want to sing and play guitar. I felt that I could either do both at about 65% of my capabilities, or do one at 100%. My experience with girls was about the same.

I guess it’s something that I’m glad I did. It’s nice to be able to wear that like a badge of honor. On the other, it’s really not something I’d be interested in again.

What I’m about to tell you violates ever rule of guydom that was ever written, so ladies listen up. This is some serious inside information.

The really best sex is not about physical kinks, appearances or techniques. The best sexual experiences are with someone that you’re emotionally close with. When you’re involved in a threesome, you’re giving up that closeness for something purely physical.

Guys: don’t kill me for letting the secret out. Girls: feel free to shower me with gratitude for the inside information. But please, ladies: one at a time.