First Dates

Seinfeld said that first dates are like job interviews that last all evening. Not only do we guys have to eyeball our dates and decide whether she’s potential mental patient, stalker, serial killer, we also somehow fell with the unenviable task of event planner. It’s like trying to plan an evening for someone you know nothing about where ever detail will be analyzed and speaks volumes about your character and influences your chances of getting to second base.

I’m a big fan of the gallery-dinner-movie date. Not only does the art-gallery say that you’re a sophisticated guy (or if not, that you have hopes of self-betterment) it affords you the opportunity to take in pictures topless chicks with a girl on a first date. Unless you’re dating strippers or porn stars, I dare you to come up with an alternate first date where that would be considered classy.

Next we get to do dinner. I’m always scouting for restaurants. For a first date, you want to take a girl somewhere nice, but it can’t be too upscale or it’ll say that you’re trying too hard. You need a medium scale joint with quality food. A diamond in the rough. I used to have a sushi spot all lined up. It was beautiful. I’d walk in and they knew me by name. The chef would send over food for us to try, and each course was like an orgasm. I swear that chef did things to my body no woman ever could. Unfortunately, he disappeared under suspicious circumstances. He just vanished one day. Even the people working there had no idea what happened to him. So now I’m back to square one.

The beauty of the first two activities is that not only do they give you opportunity for conversation and getting to know each other, if done properly, they both leave you and your date with the urge to relax. And relax time=snuggle time. That’s when you go to the movie or, if you’re daring, you suggest the movie at your place.

I remember back in the day when “dinner and a movie” was considered a standard, cheap date. When I grew up, you could get into a movie for $6.50. Not a matinee, a real movie. These days you’re looking at $14.00 each, plus dinner ($25.00 per), plus soda and pop-corn ($12.00), and you’re looking at damn near a hundred for the chance to make out in semi-privacy and a hardening puddle of unidentified, sticky ooze.

The other good idea about the plan is that you don’t bill it as an evening. You bill it as an afternoon in a gallery. Afternoon dates are less pressure. As the day progresses, it’s pretty natural to extend the date to the next activity…or bail if the meeting is a horror story.

I have this theory about the end of date kiss: girls want you to try for more, even if they shut you down. I don’t mean that you should just dive for the belt buckle against her protests. However, a kiss goodnight is standard. Let it lead one step further until she stops you. Don’t be over-the top about it. Be cool, be smooth, be subtle. And when she says “no,” stop right away. It sends the message that you’re interested. Plus, if you did it right, it leaves them wondering what the rest is like.

Over-all a first date should be like a job interview, followed by a movie teaser. You want to charm, amuse and impress. When it comes to the physicality, the goal is to make it a preview for a movie she really, really wants to see.