Moans, Screams, and Road Flares

Sexual preferences and bodies vary pretty widely from person to person. That’s why I strongly believe that there’s not really such a thing as someone who’s a bad lover or someone who’s a good lover—to an extent. I mean, there are some actions that are guaranteed to fail pretty much across the board (girls read “over-use of teeth,” guys read, “trying for anal without warning, lube, or tact.”) Everyone’s got their little tricks of the trade with which they’ve had a lot of success, but the only real way to guarantee a good performance with everyone is being attentive and responsive. If you really, REALLY pay attention to your partner’s body, you can tell what they want.

This is why it is key to make enjoyment obvious. I’m a firm believer in over-emphasizing positive behavior. I don’t want you to think that I’m faking it—I’m not going to pretend you’re good at something you’re not, but particularly the first time through, I’ll be pretty vocal and obvious. Some girls are embarrassed to make a lot of noise. Girls, you’re already naked and spread open like a clam. Why don’t we drop the modesty already?

Screamers really do enjoy sex more. It’s because their partners know exactly when they’re doing something right. You don’t have to scream…though it’s such an amazing ego boost to men when you do, but moaning and writhing requires such minimal effort, that it’s totally unacceptable to not do at least one.

There’s a lot more psychology involved with sex noises. I’ve noticed that when I’m free to really make some noise, not only does the girl I’m with seem to double her effort and hone in on what I like, but I start to enjoy it more. There’s something very liberating about not holding anything back.

Bad sex is a result of poor communication. If you don’t say anything, your partner doesn’t know, so it never improves.

With the schools being what they are these days, I believe in being obvious. When I’m with a woman, I’m doing everything but setting up road flares and yelling “Oklahoma!”

Girls are so different that this kind of communication is vitally important. Maybe women don’t even realize how much variation there is from one to another. For example breasts. There are some women whose breasts are unbelievable sensitive—I dated a girl who could be brought to orgasm simply by playing with her nipples. Then there are women who want you to really be rough with their chest, and still others who claim that it doesn’t feel good at all to have someone messing around up there. How the hell am I supposed to know what to do when I get your shirt off? Give me a sign, woman!

Moaning is great, dirty talking is fine, cursing and praying is a turn on, and screaming is the best. “Praying?” I hear some of you ask? I’ve dated Latino women before…I didn’t even know there were that many saints.

In bed, all men change into preachers: “Oh God! Oh Lord! Oh Jesus!” Women, on the other hand, all turn into driving instructors: “That’s it, to the right, more, a little faster, faster, WATCH OUT FOR THE BUS!!!"