"Friends," Drinking, And The Secret To Guilt-Free Living

Guys can be crafty mother-fuckers. For example, ladies, you know that guy who you think is just your friend and has no romantic intentions? He wants to sleep with you. “No way.” You think. “He’s just a sweet guy who is interested in hearing my problems and a hanging out.” Think about it. What heterosexual man would choose to listen to details about the sex he’s not getting, along with the near incompressible theories about “what did he REALLY mean when he said, ‘I looked good’?”

Listen, what you girls should already know is that guys are motivated by sex. What you ladies probably don’t know is that we’re also motivated by the possibility of sex in the future, regardless of how faint the chance or how distant the future. I pull this kind of thing all the time. If I meet a cute girl that I’m interested in, I’ll make a pass at her. If I find out that’s she has a boyfriend, or whatever, I slide into the friend role. But make no mistake about it: my overall goal hasn’t really changed.

There are girls who’ve I’ve kept on the line for years. Then they suddenly free up and BAM. Look who’s right there for first crack at the angry I-gave-that-man-the-best-three-years-of-my-life-and-he-screws-my-sister tumble. For the record, men, that’s the best kind of sex there is: sweaty, angry, revenge sex, where you’re not the one she’s angry at.

Of course, if you’re really slick about things, you’ll hold off on the rebound sex. Don’t get me wrong, there have been women who got dumped and I showed up that night with a bottle of rum and a DVD of “Pretty Woman,” but if you’d like to be asked back and you’d like the kind of sex that isn’t totally about someone who isn’t present, you’ll be cool for a few weeks at least.

Are there girls who I’m actually just friends with? Well…I know that some of them read this, so I’ll say, “yes.” Let’s narrow things down. If I’ve known you for more than two years, some of which you were single and I failed to make a pass, then yes, I’m just your friend. Anything else and the possibility is there. That's right, ladies celebrate! There's a possibilty that the Ehren-Goodlovin'-Experience is secretly plotting a trip to your bed.

This is one of those instances where all a woman needs is “plausible deniability.” I don’t think that women are generally any less sleazy than men; women just need some sort of excuse for themselves to call up later. This is why the “friend in the shadow” is able to drift so seamlessly between friend and lover. Deep down, they know why you’re there. They just have to be able to say later, “I’ve known him for a year and a half and we were just friends. But since I broke up with my man we grew close.”

Deep down, this is the REAL reason that people like to drink: plausible deniability. Everyone likes to pretend that after a few drinks, they have no clue what’s going on. “I was drunk, other wise I never would have slept with him/her.” Bullshit! Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. It means that you act on impulses that you want to follow, it doesn’t make you do things that you don’t want to do. Everyone knows it, but it’s our culture’s big “get out of guilt-free” card.

In closing I’d like to say that I have plans on visiting a newly single friend and drinking heavily.