It's a Date

I was speaking to a girl yesterday who I had hit on years before, and I happened to mention the rejection. There was a pause and she said, “You asked me out?” It’s nice to know that I made such a lasting impression. It really speaks volumes about the strength of my character.

“YES!!!” I said. “I asked you to dinner at a sushi restaurant.”

“…that was a date?”

Apparently there’s a gray area regarding “What is a date.” The whole thing was news to me. Why the hell else would I ask a girl to dinner? For her “personality”? Am I concerned that she’s not getting enough raw fiber? Am I concerned about the economy? What the fuck!

Actually, this is not the first time I’ve run into this problem. The first time, my exact words to the girl in question were, “Would you like to get dinner with me while you’re home? Maybe we could go see a movie afterwards.” She agreed; I picked her up; we ate, and (this part is key) made no effort to reach for the check or pay. Later, we went for a movie and then a moonlit walk in the park. So we’re on a bench under the summer stars, overlooking a moon-kissed duck pond. The wind is softly sighing through the trees and we’re chatting about jazz. Then I go in for a kiss. “Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I have a boyfriend.”

That boyfriend must be the most stressed out dude in the world. If she doesn't consider letting other dudes take her to dinner and a movie cheating, God only knows what else she thinks is in the gray area. "Honey, I wasn't cheating! I was just blowing your friend!"

Look girls, I don’t mind paying for a meal, but if you don’t reach for the pocketbook, it’s a date. No gray area about that. I’ll buy you food, but don’t be shocked when my arm goes around you.

I spoke to a few of my female friends, and I guess there really is some doubt. I suspect it comes from the female mind’s ability to over-think anything having to do with men. Ladies, if you’re ever in doubt, here’s the rule: unless specifically indicated otherwise, if a guy asks you out to dinner, he wants to jump your well-fed bones.

I can count on one hand the times a man would ask a woman out for non-romantic purposes:

1. The two are long-standing friends and a platonic relationship is a given.
2. The two are blood relations (Note: if you live below the Mason-Dixon Line, this rule may not apply).
3. The woman is borderline retarded, weighs upwards of 290 lbs. and has a lazy-eye (Note: if excessive alcohol is involved, this rule may not apply).
4. The man is a cannibal and is planning to kill and devour his date.

Girls, go home and study this list. Commit it to memory. There’ll be a test on this subject if you mail me a head-shot, your measurements and a list of your turn-ons.