Unavailable

I wouldn’t characterize myself as a big car person. I have some friends who like to talk cars and once they start to rattle off numbers and years, they might as well be speaking another language. None-the-less, there is a sacred bond between a man and his ride.

I’ve loved all my cars…and I drove some funky machines. For example, the ’89 Ford Tempo with a fading paint patch on the hood and a remote starter-— total pimp wagon. Yeah, let me tell you, I felt like a god in that car: my foot to the floor, barreling down the road at a cool 35 miles per, the windows rolled down because the A/C was busted, and the clouds of exhaust fumes sweeping in ahead of me: announcing my presence like stallions before of a chariot.

At the moment, I’m halfway through day three without my car and I’m going crazy. I’m not sure yet whether I’m developing cabin fever or Stockholm syndrome. Either way, I’m going to eat the liver of those handsome mechanics!

My unavailable social life due to car problems (yeah…let’s blame my social life on the car…) has given me a lot of time to think about my current dating situation. It seems like I went from horribly, irreversibly single a month or so ago, to beating off women with a stick. Weird, right?

I think women have this alarm in their head that goes off when you might be going off the market. The second she thinks there’s competition or she might not have a chance, your appeal jumps skyward. It’s the reason that women are attracted to married men. Seriously, if it ever comes to the point where I can’t get girls anymore I’ve hatched the perfect plot: get a gay marriage in London. If there’s one thing women love more than gay guys, it’s married guys.

I have a theory about why this is so. When a man brings his really wonderful girlfriend around to meet the friends, his friends think to themselves, “Wow, she’s great. I got to get me a girl like that.”

When girls bring their really wonderful boyfriends around to meet their friends, her friends think, “Wow, he’s great. I have to get that man.”

It’s the reason I’ve been able to not once, but twice date an ex’s best friend immediately following the break-up. Please understand it’s not something I planned. In fact, both times, the girls just fell (quite literally) into my lap. In my experience, girls think that good men are so hard to find, that the easiest way to go about getting one is to wait for your friend to trap one and then steal him away. Of course, if he’s letting a best friend steal him, he’s probably not all that great.

The whole thing reminds me of a situation that happened to me my Freshman year of college. I had a huge crush on a girl I hung out with—-Ellen. Part of our group was Ellen’s roommate, Katie. I kept going to Katie for information about Ellen, and every time I was told, “Don’t say anything. She only likes you as a friend. If you bring it up you’ll ruin your friendship with her.”

Years later, I was comparing notes with Ellen at a party and she said, “What??? I had the biggest crush on you! Katie kept telling me that you only wanted to be friends!” It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Katie was after me. It just goes to show you that some girls are always ready to stab a friend in the back for some clueless guy.