Kilts, Soccer Moms, and Fashion Rage

One of my jobs at school was driving the “rape van." The rape van drove around the campus until 4 every morning so that women didn't have to roam the parking lots at all hours of the night. I loved driving the Rape Van. I used to have theme nights: Funk Night, Surf Night and Disco Night. But one evening, I decided to conduct a poll: If socially acceptable, would you wear a kilt (if male), or be attracted to a guy wearing a kilt (if female). The results were a staggering near 80% pro-kilt. I’m telling you, The Gap is missing out on the next big trend. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’d like to announce right here, in the presence of God, friends, and random Internet Weirdoes that I own my own kilt. I always get asked if I’m Scottish, when I wear it. The answer is no. I just like fucking with people.

I’ve had some great times in kilts. I started wearing it when I was working at a day camp, just as a gimmick. But then I began rocking the kilt in the real world and I’ve had fantastic results with it thus far. It first dawned on me what a chick magnet a guy in a skirt is when I was working at camp, directing traffic. I would wave the single moms through and they would be all prim and proper until they’d dropped their kids off. Once the kids were out of the car, they all turned into sailors on shore leave. The filthy things these moms would holler at me defied belief, courtesy, and all levels of dignity. Needless to say I was thrilled. One of my favorite moments was when a mom slowed down to yell, “Hey, what are you wearing under there?”

To which I immediately responded, “My girlfriend’s lipstick.” A stunned silence followed.

I used to wear it around college on warm days. It was spectacular. I remember sitting in class when I happened to notice a girl checking out my legs. My first thought was, “That chick’s looking at me like a piece of meat. I feel so violated. This is AWESOME!"

Girls used to come up to me in the dining hall and just give me their numbers. It was unreal. First Scotch Whiskey and now kilts? God bless those drunken, moor-dwelling Scots.

The whole phenomena got me wondering about men’s fashion. Understand that I’m not pretending to know anything about style. It just makes me think that current fashion doesn’t really help you get ass. Maybe it’s because men’s fashion tends not to reveal much, or maybe it was simply that I had the balls to wear something so non-conventional. Whatever it was, all I know is that women love a man in a kilt. I had a girlfriend who would absolutely molest me every time I climbed into the thing. I got pulled into so many closets that I people just assumed I was a janitor.

I'm beginning to think that I'm the same way about non-conventional dressing women. I get really turned off by girls who are dressed too trendy. Something about says, "I need culture at large to tell me how to do everything--including how to dress." I’d never wear anything just because someone told me it was cool. For example pink.

Every weekend I’ll be walking around the mall and I’ll see some dude in a pink shirt with the collar up. When I do, it takes every fiber of my self-restraint not to kidney punch him and beat him with the nearest blunt object until he loses bladder control. Wearing Pink is the perfect example of someone doing something ONLY because they heard it was cool. Guys don’t wear pink. Guys don’t look good in pink. Guys who wear pink deserve to be castrated immediately with what ever is handy before they contaminate the gene-pool.

Then again, who am I to pass judgment on a dude wearing a “girl color”? This is, after all, from a guy who rocks a skirt. So lassies, I present a picture for your viewing pleasure and so you know what to look for next time you're out on the town. Just a warning: I don't always wear the face-paint.