For me, relationships have clear rankings:
Seeing: an occasional date
Sleeping with: no emotional relationship is implied
Dating: regularly seeing each other—no exclusivity is implied
Girlfriend: dating regularly and exclusively
Of course, after girlfriend, comes fiancé and wife—I doubt that those titles need much explanation. My favorite definition of the word "Husband" came from a book called The Devil's Dictionary. "Husband: One who has tasted the cake and been forced to keep the platter."
Where things get weird, though, is the etiquette involving ended each of these relationships. I think up until 5 dates, either party has the right to simply stop returning phone calls. Things don’t always work out and that’s the way it goes. There’s no need to make a big deal over it. I always like to give one follow-up call if I don’t get a callback. After that, it’s time to cut your losses and move on. Ladies and Gents, if you call more than three times you’re obsessing and you’re border-line stalker.
At five dates, I think the other party at least deserves a phone-call break-up. At seven, you need a face-to-face sit down.
Here are some rules. No quibbling, non-negotiable, if you break any of these rules you’re a jack-ass:
1) Be decisive. If you’re finished with someone, don’t give them the idea that you need time or a break. Establish a clean break so that you can both get on with your life.
2) Be polite. These things are never easy, but if you get drawn into a discussion about her short-comings or faults things will get very bad, very quickly. The last thing either of you needs is an assault charge. There’s no need to make any life-long enemies.
3) Show some remorse. It’s just common courtesy. Rejection isn’t easy to take, so at least let them think that it wasn’t easy to give.
I’ve been involved with some truly memorable break-ups, and most of them were because I was too dumb to follow the rules above. Yes, I know I’m a jack-ass.
Horrible break-up number one happened because of a monumentally stupid move on my part—I opted for the snap-decision break-up. Let’s call her Anne—I need a fake name because I’m pretty sure that she will actually come to my house and stab me if she reads this. I had invited her over to my house. I had cooked dinner and had a whole evening prepared. She showed up and we started fighting about something. I honestly don’t remember what. I made my first mistake, when I tried to win the argument. She then said, “Oh yeah, do you remember three weeks ago when we were standing out in front of our friend’s house? I turned to say something to you and you started talking to your friend. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT FEELS???”
To which I replied, “I’d don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about! How could I possibly know how you feel?”
Things degenerated from there. The climax of the story is that a week later I received a 12 page letter from her filled with such cheery phrases as, “If you live a hundred years, you’ll never outlive all the pain you’ve given me” and, “We’re going to meet again in a happy place, even if this is after death.” Then the letter launched into four pages of song lyrics.
This brings me to my next rule of break-up etiquette: take it like an adult. Even if you’re heart-broken, don’t call and leave rambling, sentimental messages. Don’t send threatening letters. Don’t put up passive-aggressive away messages. Just shut up and don’t make yourself look like a prick, wimp or psycho. Also on this note, if you’re being dumped, don’t insist on “being friends” if you can’t take it. You’re just making yourself more miserable.
My favorite passive-aggressive break-up story is this: The girl I’d been seeing me had just dumped me. We had a whole bunch of mutual friends, one of which I saw at a Halloween party a week or so later. I stumbled in drunk, dressed like “The Crow” and had a long chat with him. He told me that he’s seen her making out with a guy just before she dumped me.
So I went home and wrote an away message. You have to keep in mind that virtually ALL of her friends were on AIM and checked these things obsessively. The message was:
White face-paint: $5
Black overcoat and leather pants: $150
Hearing from a mutual friend that your ex-girlfriend is a cheap, lying skank: priceless.
I got about 20 messages from friends. I hear that she was reduced to tears. Hey, I was drunk!
It also led me to my next lesson: revenge dating is not a good idea. A few months later I started dating her best friend. Here’s something you may not know: girls don’t like when you do that. Even if they broke up with you, they don’t approve when the best friend sweeps in. However, that’s nothing compared with how angry they get when you dump them and go for the best friend. I know.
I didn’t really mean to date a girl, take her virginity, break up with her and then date her best friend a week later…it just sort of worked out that way. Besides, now I know that girls don’t appreciate these things.
I like to think that she got equal revenge, though. She spread the rumor that I beat her. Then she called the girl I was dating (her former best friend) and said that I had given her an STD.
For the record, both statements were absolutely false. I’m respectful and I’ve been tested.
I guess what I’m saying is, boys and girls: play nice. And when you’re done playing, don’t throw a tantrum.
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