Friends With Benefits

It’s time to discuss the “friends with benefits” thing in a little more detail. I’m aware that some girls will read my blog and think I’m a shallow scum-bag. My defense: hey, I’m a guy. There’s a big secret about women that females don’t want broadly publicized: girls like sex.

It’s shocking, I know. I’ll give you all a minute to let it soak in.

Men are so upfront with their sexual desires that maybe we don’t take the time pick up the signals that the fair sex sends off. They want ass, too—they just have more conditions: class, dignity and quality. We guys are never thinking that far ahead.

So negotiating a deal isn’t all that hard; after all, everyone wants the same thing. There are, however, a few key elements necessary to make things run a little smoother.

First, it helps if you actually enjoy the other person’s company, even if you’re not emotionally attached. It sounds simple, but if you can hang out with a person when there’s no sex involved, everything stays a lot cooler. Why? It goes back to my statement that women have conditions. The first one is that they want respect. Even if deep down, she knows that you’re only coming over for wild monkey sex, she needs the out of thinking that you respect her. Respect is a tough thing to fake, especially over long periods of time and especially after you’ve already fulfilled your needs for the exchange. Suck it up and have a conversation before you start plotting about grabbing your pants and making an exit.

The next key factor is quality. I’m pretty open about sex…it’s just the way I am. From my very diverse poll of women I’ve chatted with, it seems like there are a lot of men who just aren’t putting in the work. I don’t pretend to be the world’s greatest lover (though I harbor some suspicions), but guys, the needed elements to being an adequate lover are well within your grasp. Stop obsessing about you dick size and do three things:

1. stop focusing on yourself and make it all about her
2. actually put some effort into it
3. Talk about it after and see where there’s room for improvement

Didn’t mean to preach there, but with the stories I’ve been hearing, I start to wonder where the American work-ethic went to.

There are good reasons to practicing the above items, even with girls who are just “friends with benefits.” The most prominent is this: if you want to be asked back, you’d better make it worth her while. There’s no reason for her to want bad, emotion-free sex.

The last real element to making the arrangement work is honesty. Think about it: this is a relationship where there’s no huge emotional bond. You two should be able to put emotions on the back-burner and talk things through. If one of you gets a real significant other, you should be able to part company with no ill-will. Just be upfront with what you want and what you think. When there’re no raging emotions, things go a lot smoother.

Under what conditions do I suggest the relationship? That would be pretty much never. It’s weird, because you go to her house to feel good, but you leave there you feeling worse than you did in the first place. Even if the whole casual sex relationship went smoothly, it always made me more acutely aware of all the things that I wasn’t getting: like security, affection, and a real partner.

Here’s a secret about men: we want relationships, too.

I know some scummy guys…there’s a dude I know got hammered drunk and hooked up with a girl. It was her first time out of a long relationship, and they’re making out like kids. She decides to find out what she’s got to work with and decides to get him ready for the main event. So her head strays south and she starts doing her thing. Only problem is, this guy’s had about a bottle of whiskey and not everything is functioning to its peak ability. The poor girl is down there for 10 minutes: nothing. 20 minutes: nothing. Finally, 30 minutes in, he says, “Why don’t you just bite it?” Girl leaves in tears.

Let it never be said that I don’t know low-class guys. But each of them, believe it or not, is still really looking for that perfect girl to settle down with. I guess it’s strange that in a world where everyone wants the same thing, we have such a tough time getting it.