So let’s start at the beginning of the night. Guys have to get dressed up, look right and smell right. I read somewhere that one of the first two things that girls look at is a guy’s shoes. I can’t pretend to speak for every man out there, but I don’t even put that much energy into shoe shopping. I currently own three pairs of shoes: my dress shoes (weddings and funerals only), my sneakers (worn exclusively May-September), and my boots (worn exclusively October-April). That’s it. They’re comfy and practical. That’s pretty much all I care about. I figure, feet are feet no matter how you dress them up. Of course, I once dated a girl who owned over 370 pairs of shoes. No exaggeration…and yet all I ever saw her wear were her old converse all-stars!
So guys try to get spruced up, when we know that no matter how much effort and thought goes into what we wear, we’ll always be under-prepared compared to the ladies we’re looking at. Here’s a confession about my clothes: I go shopping once a year. My best friend and I just do one full day of clothes shopping and that’s it. Usually we’re done in about 3, maybe 4 hours tops. And then I’m set for the year.
Next, we have to get the crew together. Why? Because women don’t want to talk to guys who go drinking alone. It sends a bad image. However, once you have a crew of guys together, it’s generally a lot more trouble than its worth. There’s cock-blocking, teasing, arguments about where to go and when to leave, and then there’s always that one dude who gets way too drunk and starts shit or yells inappropriate things to you just as you strike up a conversation.
Example: My friends are out drinking one night. A cute girl comes up to my friend outside the bar and asks him for a light. Now, in any civilized culture, his boys would take a hint and go grab another drink, or head off to buy more smokes. That being the case, two of them immediately walk over and insert themselves into the conversation. When he finally gets rid of them, another one of his crew comes stumbling out and starts belligerently hitting on the cute girl’s friends before walking over to my friend and asking at the top of his lungs “Are you going to fuck her?” From here the night disintegrates into a bar-fight and some petty vandalism.
The worst part is the actual pick-up, though. I don’t have any “pick-up” lines, because I don’t think they work. Generally I just ease myself into whatever conversation and hope for the best. It’s a tough gig, though. Guys have to deal not only with fear of rejection, but with the knowledge that their whole crew is watching and ready to tear you apart if you don’t come back with a phone number.
Then, once you have the number there’s the question of how long to wait before the call back. Girls I talk to about this are always like, “You should just call her the next day.” This is really dumb. Here’s what I’ve learned about women: no matter how much they say they don’t want games and they just want honesty, they might want it, but they don’t respect it. It’s a key difference. I’m always pretty upfront with how I feel and what I want. But if you don’t make girls a little insecure they think they can walk all over you. It works the same way for guys. The perfect example: my friend got a girl’s number and waited three days before calling her back and leaving a message. For the next four days he talked about nothing but her and stressed about when she was going to call him back. She waited four days and now he can’t wait to see her.
Was this whole interaction pointless? Of course! Would it have made more sense to just call each other back right away and get together the following weekend for dinner, or one evening for coffee? Yeah! But I don’t think either one would be quite as keyed up to see the other if it happened that way.
It’s a funny situation. It’s like as soon as you exchange phone numbers, you immediately regress to a 6th grade relationship. “Does she like me? I want her know that I like her, but I don’t want her to think I like her more than she likes me. Do you know her friend? Did she say anything about me? Maybe I can sit next to her at lunch.”
People ask me why I play guitar. I like to tell them it’s because I’m not handsome. Good looking guys have such an advantage. It’s like they get loved without putting in any effort. They don’t have to work at being funny, smart, charming, sensitive, interesting or talented. The rest of us have to bust our ass.
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