Men get a bad rap a lot of times for being shallow and obsessed with sex. I don’t think that women really get it. Even girls that really love sex don’t understand. Sex isn’t just something that men like to do; it’s this urge that everything in our body pushes us towards.
My basic train of thought at any given time on any given day is typically like this:
“Gotta get those reports done. That girl on the stairs had a fantastic ass. Now was I supposed to check those against the numbers for the day or for the week? What the hell happened to all the good blowjob givers? I think girls are getting lazier. I should check my notes from the week so I can type up a summery. Remember that time that you moved that girl’s bed across the room because you were plowing her so hard?”
It sucks! Being a man is like being a crack addict. I'm ten minutes away from making a sign that says, "Will Give Head For Sex" and standing on a street corner. Sometimes I think of all the extra shit I could get done if I weren’t totally obsessed with it. Then I wonder what my odds are of meeting a pair of double-jointed Japanese twins.
I remember being so much more relaxed as a child. Maybe it’s because my brain wasn’t constantly screaming, “THIS IS TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT FUCKING!!!” As soon as they make a patch substitute for sex, I’m there.
My friend Rashad has a theory that everything a man does is basically motivated by ass. We shave so that we can get girls. We buy fancy cars to get girls. We go to college to get good jobs to make money to get girls. (Of course, college in and of itself is usually enough to get sex).
I sat with him for about 40 minutes and tried to poke holes in this theory. It took me two days to think of a single thing that guys do or buy that was not somehow linked to getting ass: sound systems.
I rushed next door and told Rashad about my idea. He pondered for a moment and then said, “I don’t know. You ever had sex in front of a matched set of 12” subwoofers?” Touche, my friend.
Women, I hope you’re taking notes here. A man’s world can be boiled down to three goals: sex, sports and occasionally subs. That’s it.
It’s an illness. When there’s a real possibility of sex, men can be convinced of just about anything. Here are some lines that some how seemed plausible to me at one time:
- “Your friend and I have been broken up for almost 2 days. He won’t mind if we sleep together.”
- "My boyfriend never comes home early."
- “When you put the seat down, the car is just as spacious as a four-door.”
- “My room-mate’s asleep. She’ll never hear a thing.”
- “It’s not difficult to drive while getting a blowjob.”
- “Don’t worry. No one can see us behind these trees.
- “Don’t worry. No one ever checks the Janitor’s closet.”
- “Don’t worry. No one ever checks in my suite-room.”
- “My shower has a non-slip floor.”
So girls, the next time you see a man staring at your chest while you’re talking, or catch him checking out your sister’s ass, or finding mid-thrust in your neighbor, just remember: We’re addicts. We don’t know any better.
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