What Would Jesus Drink?

Christmas is a great time for us Jews. All the carpenter worshippers are staying home, stuffing themselves with food and swapping presents. Some Christians think that the Jews are jealous of the pageantry, decadence, and full-on hedonism of Christmas. They couldn’t be further from the truth: We’re just happy to get you people off the streets.

It’s a day when Jews can once again roam the earth, without fear of racists, rednecks, or republicans. That’s the real magic of Christmas.

I hear that Christmas is a big drinking holiday. I think that if you’re using the Virgin Birth as an excuse to drink, you may have a problem. But hey, what ever gets you through a day with your family. If you are drinking, on this, the holiest of day of the Christian faith, you should take a moment to reflect: What Would Jesus Drink?

Everyone always serves egg nog. What’s the deal with egg nog anyway? Why do we need the word “egg” in the name? I’ve been on this earth for 26 years now and never once encountered any other kind of nog besides egg. Then again, maybe somewhere there’s a whole family gathered around a piano, singing carols and sipping nice big mugs of Beef Nog.

It doesn’t seem like Jesus would be much of a nog drinker. It’s definitely a little too festive for him. Let’s see...born to carpenter who had to put his pregnant wife up in a stable: sounds like a 40 of Olde English to me! Yeah, I can see it now: Jesus and the apostles hunched down with a bunch of lepers behind a seven-11, sipping OE out of paper bags. I guess every Easter the Apostles would get together behind a convenience store and spill some out on the ground. “Here’s one for me, and one for my hommies…”

I recall that Jesus hung out with a lot of destitute peeps, so maybe a box of wine. Of course, he was Jewish, so maybe it should be Manishevitz.

Then again, Jesus probably wouldn’t be much of a wino—I mean, if the dude could make it from water anytime he wanted, it’s probably the last beverage he’d want to party on. Maybe mixed drinks? There’d be something poetic about Christ walking into a bar and ordering a Bloody Mary.

I bet Jesus could walk into any tavern and someone would say, “That’s the son of God! Somebody get this man a margarita!” Then they’d slide up next to him and make him do some of his magic tricks.

The more I think about it, the more I think that Christ probably doesn’t care what you drink. According to the Catholic Church, he had sacramental wine running through his veins. “Who are you to tell me I’ve had enough, Jesus? You’re blood-alcohol level is 12.8 percent! Next to you, I’m the fucking pope! Now give me your keys. Remember last time when you said you could drive on water? Come on, man, give me your keys.”

Folks, if you’re depressed this time of year, letting the man get you down, hanging out in gangs, bemoaning your absentee father, and falling over drunk, just remember: you’re only following Christ’s example.

Happy holidays! Drink up, bitches!