Sex Reference Questionaire

I really think my idea for dating resumes could catch on. I was speaking to a girl and the topic of sex came up. I said, “I have references!”

The conversation progressed from there until she asked how she would contact them. I guess I imagine that girls chat about this type of thing all the time. It shouldn’t be a big deal to call someone up and say, “Hey, I was thinking about sleeping with Ehren. Can you share some of his high points and low points?”

One of my jobs a few years ago was calling references that applicants had placed on their resumes. Basically, they gave me a questionnaire to read. In order to help my brilliant idea for dating resumes catch on, I proudly present the “Sex Reference Form”:

• How would you describe the individual's sex drive? (rating 1-10)
• How would you describe the applicant’s foreplay skills?
• Does the individual perform well orally?
• How do you rate the individual’s responsiveness?
• Was the applicant open to criticism, suggestions, and new ideas?
• Does the individual have any quirks, preferences or needs that might be considered “out of the norm”? If so, please describe.
• How would you describe the applicant’s physical equipment?
• Please rate the individual’s stamina. (rating 1-10)
• Please rate the individual’s recovery time. (rating 1-10)
• How many times, on average, did the applicant succeeded in bring you to climax per session?
• If you had to pick one area in which the individual could improve, what would it be?
• What is the applicant’s strongest attribute?
• How would you rate the individual’s overall bedroom abilities?
• Is there anything else that you’d like to say?

You know what? Screw the sex reference; this is the type of thing you should have to fill out after every hookup! This is the type of shit that people need to know.

I can just imagine it now: we’re both all sweaty, lying in bed, gasping for breath. She reaches out to ruffle my hair affectionately, when I whip out a clipboard and a pen and start on the questions. What can I say? I’m a sucker for romance.

The problem is that people tend to get way too uptight and defensive about sex. Like there was one girl I dated who gave the WORST head ever. There was jamming into the back of the throat, teeth were involved, and I have the sneaking suspicion she was gargling with concentrated bleach. The problem was, she was sure that she was a great at it. I’m betting that somewhere, some guy was too scared to tell her the truth and she just assumed herself a great cocksucker from then on. Much in the way that no one will ever tell a couple that their baby is ugly, people have a hard time saying when you’re bad in bed.

I remember a girl who was crushing for me in the worst way. She was pretty good looking, too. But she kept blowing herself up because we’d make out and she tried to stick her tongue down my throat. It was like a scene from “Alien.” After 10 seconds there was more of her spit in my mouth than my own. I'd tried to suggest that she back off a little…maybe not make it her goal to lick my kidneys, and she'd just look at me blankly. Eventually, when the suggestions didn't get through, I sat her down and explained that I’d like her to try some changes in her kissing technique. She got pissed.

Oh well. Folks, you heard it here first: flexibility (in every sense of the word) is the key to good sex. Play limber, people!